finding my wedding ring encrusted in vomit this morning really just topped off last night...
He just randomly started talking about Haiti and Conan O'Brien and his grandpa's hip replacement operation. It was the worst phone sex I've ever had.
47 days without vaginal penetration. Im pretty sure it's grown over.
Do you realize that if your cunt was a missing person it would be assumed dead?
Hairspray is covering 85% of my body. Help.
Wait until you see the roof.
I wasn't so much your wingman at that point as I was the interpreter of you point at shit and mumbling to the cab driver.
I think I used your jacking off shit when I showered. I couldn't see shit, it was all oily. Fuck power outages
I have no idea. But I feel like I could climb a mountain and then have sex on it.
My motherfucking vibrator ran out of batteries right when I was about to orgasm. It's like he's possessed everything sexual in my life and has compelled it to NOT SATISFY ME.
So tomorrow I have my performance review with my boss who I banged. When I go in should I ask if this review will be rating my sex or work performance?
He also has scotch. LOTS AND LOTS of scotch. I think you'd like him!
That is always a wonderful personality trait!
Everytime I try to keep track of the amount of people I slept with I always forget about that guy I met on the dc metro, where I woke up to him organizing his Special K and Molly and I was covered in sleeping cats.
Can we go to the gas station to get cigarettes before we get drunk. It's hard enough to say Marlboro sober.
He asked if I was going to squirt out my bday candles. I'm glad the perversion doesn't stop for special occasions.
I thought I needed to get laid. Turns out I just needed pasta.
Everytime I give him head I make him rub my back. Teamwork at it's finest.
Randomize
