Which one of you FUCKERS filled the toilet with soil and planted my mothers daisys in it? NOT FUCKING HAPPY
she gave me a handjob in the middle of the night and my stomach growled so she walked out totally naked and came back 5 minutes later with two sandwiches. who the fuck says getting married is awful?
I always have trouble explaining my life decisions to people over the age of 30.
i'm sad. The beetle crawled away. I was only trying to get him stoned.
Do you think I threw out my left shoulder during the keg stand or the stripper pole? It's medically relevant my chiropractor wants to know.
Ugh did we play golf last night and did you by chance hit my head with a club or a ball?
They had their heads out of the car singing the wrong words to the national anthem as we drove through traffic of people leaving the fireworks. AMURICA
The neighbors outside are screaming at one another about God knows what and everyone is too scared to go outside and we NEEd more beer
So I spent all night thinking my bed was floating down a river and telling the cats to get on the bed because they were going to float away. Percocet is strong shit.
My manager just held my hair while I threw up in a dumpster. New low.
First poop in my apartment for the summer, officially settled in. :)
Basically all I do anymore is get stoned with my cats, and then we share goldfish.
So glad I can hide money in my wallet and drunk me is too stupid to find it. Hangover sushi ftw.
He said my vagina smelled like pomegranates. Its like my vagina is the fountain of youth.
Now the fun stuff starts.
Someone is losing a finger.
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