Nice. Sry i missed. Also sorry that i pissed on my toothbrush last nite
Sink seemed easy target but balance was no good
my grandpa was trying to put butter into the pepsi and i'm like "grandpa what are you doing" and he looks down and goes "well i guess that wouldn't taste good anyway"
We fucked twice, I went to the bathroom to freshen up, and came back to him playing "Your Body is A Wonderland" on his guitar naked in my bed.
im learning from these one night stands last time i came in her this time i came on her AND deleted every contact in her phone!
just saw a DUI checkpoint outside of a taco bell...i feel like thats cheating...
just heard some guy walking down the street say "butt sex in the sun"
go get him tiger.
He's trying to impress me with how much money he makes. How does he know me so well?
He's cute when he's drunk, too. Also he tried to fight my door...
Did you fuck him in my garden last night?
That WOULD explain the dirt in my vagina
I just flicked a lizard out of the window with a bud light in one hand and spatula inthe other...dont tell me you dont miss the south
There's holes in the drywall and the beer pong table is a broken door on two barstools. You know they like to party.
I JUST WOKE UP WITH MY UBER DRIVER
Dude, who WASN'T thinking of motorboating her?
My apartment looks like the apocalypse of sobriety.
How’s the date going?? Do you think he’s gonna cut your face off and wear it to his birthday party?
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