My mom found a condom in my purse
Correction: my mom found a used condom in my purse.
I walked out of the bathroom and both of you girls were giving the gay guy head. I was like, "laaaterrr."
how much do you want to bet that her wedding invites will be vera bradley themed? loser has to frame theirs.
Is licking assholes a new fad or something?
Hey guys. This is Daniel texting on mayas phone. if she called you and told you that i made her have sex with me in my doghouse with my dog present that wasn't true.... so dont spread that.
Nights like last night are what makes cleaning up the vomit in the morning worth it
i never thought it was possible to fit gay, redneck and asian into the same sentence before i met you.
and this wasn't even the first one i'd hooked up with
uh, 3 redbulls and 400mg of caffeine pills and i still feel like life is in slowmotion..lets not take tranquilizers again.
i hope youre ready for a shit show because we just ordered a whole pitcher of red headed sluts
I'm in the sex attic, crying, eating french toast and taco
Do I really need this much space in my mouth?
Are you already high?
You get home ok?
Uh, you stopped by my house at 4 am and woke me up, so yeah.
We are going to the humane society and getting you microchipped so you don't get lost on your birthday. Either that or your getting a child leash
This is the drunkest I've ever been at a chili's
Honestly, the only reason I've been productive today was because I ended up organizing my apartment while searching for my vibratory charger.
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