I'm drinking till I'm someone else's problem
Turns out, Windex will cut right through semen stains on a computer case.
we marched down beaver avenue with lit tiki torches humming the olympics opening song.
I just found him singing into an empty paper towel roll while microwaving an empty ice cream carton. I'm gonna run away now.
pretty sure I offered to blow her dad. she's not speaking to me & he won't stop winking at me.
Ima go for a jog. and I'm going to jog until I throw up a lung. then I'll crawl home.
He looks like he'd be great Lego character.
I am playing a little game I like to call "How Quickly Can I Infuse This Vodka Into My Bloodstream Without the Use of an IV"
WHAT IS PROPER BONG ETIQUETTE FOR WHEN YOU'RE ALONE IN YOUR BATHTUB AND CRYING?
I don't know if we can compare high school reunions anymore. The keg stands started before 7.
Got too starbucks. 3out of the 4 girls working i have ducked and haven't ever called. My coffee has dick written on it. It may contain spit by pumpkin lattes are only once a year
Figured out how to triple bathroom speed at #lollapalooza.. Girl squats, guy 1 goes between her, guy 2 uses urinal. Your welcome.
I just walked out of the side door of the bar to come in the front door so no one would know I've been here drinking before our work meeting.
Hey, it's Valentine's Day weekend and were single and off our periods. Let's live like queens.
Can you masturbate to someone liking your instagram picture?
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