A hot woman with candy. This is what heaven is filled with
ya i vaguely remember microwaving a whole package of bacon for 20 minutes or so and then eating it all around 4am
i'd like someone to explain to me why my clothes are all sticky. including my fanny pack. yes, this is a mass text.
if my college career had corporate sponsors, they would be natty light and aim toothpaste.
So after tequila Thursday, Jess broke her arm table dancing. Now her and Andrew look like the perfect drunk couple, matching casts and all.
i woke up with a wedding ring drawn on my finger...if this was vegas id be worried
Only I can have a panic attack in the back seat of a cop car and have them move me to the front seat.
He tried to give me a shoulder massage while i peed in the neighbors bushes to "make it more relaxing."... I let him... That drunk
Crying in the liquor store is not a good look
I'm hungover and surrounded by children and Republicans. What did I do to deserve this?
I CRIED after phone sex. Am I gay?
I don't have to hold her hair back as she blows me but I do have to hold the ball on the Santa hat
And I'm bringing my coffee cup of wine.
IM FILLED WITH SANDWICHES AND SELF LOATHING
dude i told her that I loved her...and she said, " go fuck yourself"
Randomize
