it took everything i had not to yell out "your name means death in german!"
i wanted to iron the shorts i'm wearing. but i'm high and lazy. so i'm using my hair straightener. in bed.
I just threw up on my dentist
Apparently I look legit enough, cause the 3 bums next to me just got kicked awake by cops, and I was allowed to stay sitting here. That's a plus, right?
just watched paranormal activity stoned. laughed the whole time and screamed when they turned on the lights. eating doritos. I love my life
I wish i had a shirt that said, "I know what you're thinking and it's not herpes on my face"
She said that I needed to "pregame her so it can slip right in."
Almost told my boss I was an expert aat swallowing when he questioned my ability to take excedrin,xanax, and a vitamin all at once. It was a medicinal gang bang lubricated by arizona tea.
he told me it was like eating gods vagina.
I think your dick broke my retainer, I normally wouldnt care but my orthodontist died and I don't want my first appt to be blow job broken retainer with a new ortho.
nothing like having plan b for breakfast in a cvs parking lot before ordering this semester's textbooks
I don't remember his name. I had whataburger on my mind and in my hands so I wasnt really listening
I just made a dick pic collage. Let me just tell you,there is no comparison to the latest!
Sooooooo this guy just asked me if I'd be interested in a threesome... I'm considering bc I would get to hang out with his dog afterwards.
I love how we can bond over the fact that we're the only ones who think the guy I drunk hooked up with looks like Voldemort
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