Phrase i just heard while watching the U.S. open: "Boy they have really trimmed it well, this has got to be the tightest hole in the Open."
What do you do when the person in the stall next to you says they're jealous?
I walked into cold stone and the guy started preparing a supersized birthday cake remix for "Mrs. Munchies"
I fucked him in a hamburger. literally. he has a hamburger bed.
in light of our recent drunken behavior, i think it's time we seriously consider hiring ourselves a babysitter.
dude. i just ate tomato soup with a funnel. we're out of spoon-straws.
i cant answer while inside this church craft show. so unless you're outside with my engagement ring and a nonfat gingerbread latte, it'll have to wait.
holy shit i just had sex in a phone booth i so feel young again
Watching this game makes me realize that we have yet to do Skype shots. What kind of long distance alcoholics are we?
We started a fund for a baby in a wine glass, I think we're pretty responsible.
Bourbon is too strong for my cat, he does not want to drink it
If he's gonna send me dick pics; he should at least zoom in to make it look bigger.
Now it's a thing. He's kind of a creeper and now he's lotioning me. This is going to turn into a Buffalo Bull situation.
It was great. Somehow, sleeping with her sister cured everything!
There are flour footprints all over the house. Either u guys are trying to pull that Paranormal Activity shit on me again, or u got drunk and tried to make pancakes.
Randomize
