just to let you know I saw you texting some Kim chick, and facebook saying she's ugly... good job you're gay now
so you know how i got laid the other night? well a condom just came out of me and i dont know whether to be grossed out or happy
i am grossed the fuck out
Why did that cocktail waitress get to sleep with Tiger for 2 years, and all I ever got for living in Whorelando for five years is a couple of pictures with Joey Fatone
I got a lot accomplished today, and the day is still young! I built a fort, hot boxed a fort, had a tea party in a fort, and now realizing how high I am.
Gentleman, we have a new medal category - number of women per day in apartment WITHOUT FURNITURE
No dude trust me, just go a strip club at their busiest hours and pick the ugliest chick. Guaranteed she blows you for under 20$, the record stands at $7.67 and a pen from Bank of America,
Operation "Inform her family she stars in a sadistic lesbian porn film" is in full effect. She picked the wrong guy to cheat on.
Gave up on finding an ashtray.... just started flicking it in my purse.
Her ass is the reason I still believe in a higher power
All I know is that I woke up with glitter all over me and blood on my shoes. It wasn't my blood.
Your friends are scaring the cats so I'm going to smoke weed with them to call them down.
Just witnessed some guy throw his fake eye at his dad's face. Actually, he whipped it at him.
I met a guy last night who bought me a book on Amazon at the bar and then we had sex. Boners for books is a thing. Boom.
Broken heels while double fisting margaritas, picking up shirtless, bloody men and escorting them out of harms way, the meltdown when I realized I can go without a bra bc my boobs shrunk, the morning vodka red bull you were forced to drink? Which one roped you in?
You need to go! It’s a midwestern wedding - the single girls out there think life ends at 25 if they don’t have a picket fence and family. That’s when your penis introduces himself
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