my vag is so smooth its legendary
You better get here soon. I'm about to spend $30 on a cactus online
Just found out my drug dealer is also a porn star. It's a good day.
That girl you went home with last night was dressed in a bright blue sweats at the bar. 205lb Smurffete FTL. Boy were you in epic form.
Need toilet paper. Napkins suck. Slowly running out of those two and the bleeding hasn't stopped. Your cat is next
This just spotted: a bagpiping Elmo on the street.
Dear female. Happy valentines day. If you have not had the pleasure of making love to me, please do not fret, I will get around to it soon enough. If you indeed have made love to me, then bravo, wasn't that grand! Perhaps we should do it again? Regardless, have a good day. This has been a public service announcement. Rock on.
Fucking that physical therapist guy was the best decision I ever made.
So I almost just died there. And we need a new garage door.
I was woken up at 6 am by a second grader trying to give me a sweatshirt for a pillow
I will forever remember this as The Great Jalepeno Cock Burn of 2014.
He threw up on my head while I was blowing him, and then I started barfing, and the kitchen floor was a mess. Believe me, he will never, ever live this down.
For an hr, you were convinced you no longer had a right arm so you played Super Mario Bros with just your left hand vs Beth. You won btw, mite b why she refused to wear the unicorn head
It was after I slept with him he tells me he's a juggalo
Well it was nice knowing him
No, he wouldn't have sex with me....but on the brightside I managed to fit the entire falafel sandwhich in my purse!!
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