Well he's not exactly single.. It's like an open relationship his wife doesn't know about
I hope, cuz I was gunna get "celebritory drunk" but now I have to get "I'm disappointed drunk"
He kept screaming "it's so seductive" while he was humping the wall
throwing up in the shower isnt as glamorous as i expected
since when the fuck is that glamorous?
She was giving me a handjob while I was wearing a sombrero with a beer in one hand and a hammer in the other.
I AM SENDING THIS TEXT MESSAGE SO I DON'T LOOK AT HIM. THANK YOU FOR RECEIVING IT.
Hes drunk and dancing naked. I can hear his dick smacking his legs from the next room.
It's pretty telling that my resolutions all involve who I will sleep with in 2014.
It's important to play to your strengths.
dude, im taking a shit and i just realized it's his MOM in the shower not him...oh fuck
you ran up to the police and said "fuck the police shit we living in hell ". Then you dropped your Margarita and said "Darby Out" lol
I refuse to believe you if you're trying to tell me humanity as a whole isn't sad, tired, and craving Chinese food.
Sometimes self-care is taking a shot of vodka and moving on.
Damn that brownie almost kicked my ass. I'm not sure if my flight home lasted 10 minutes or 10 days..
Mass text: dear whatever jerk off who thinks they stole drugs from me. It was birth control. Go fuck yourself. And pray that I don't get pregnant.
Who puts their birth control in a bottle with a smiley face?!
Oh fuck wait
Is that strawberry winking at me??
Randomize
