they just came back. i guess "were gonna go get dinner" means "were gonna fuck for 5 minutes at the little league field"
we need to stop having unprotected sex.
ya i know. we're like the secret life of the american whores.
the worst part is we had a camera rolling
Did his mom notice it when she saw u guys?
Yes.
I have to watch that.
There's a litter of kittens in my bathtub and beer cans everywhere. I want my apartment key back.
just saw a couple drunkenly stumble over to the family planning aisle of Walgreens. inspiring.
Yeah but he's impersonating a gargoyle jumping off of everything. Including the walls.
No, we talked about it. They're cool with me living here as long as I sleep with them both.
You're a rent hooker.
I really resent how she stayed home and ruined my plans to watch sci-fi and masturbate.
Got home to the hotel 3hrs ago per texts sent not in english to not a full phone number
Ive never seen one person more proud of themselves of peeing in public and getting away with it.
Your exhaustion is probably due to your rampant sexual urges and the fact that you live the same life as a raccoon.
Chick in the reindeer getup puked on Baby Jesus last night. But then she bought us all empanadas so she's cool.
Hey, remember that time a week ago when we walk-of-shamed literally down the Vegas Strip at 8:45am and I had one broken heel?
Protip if he licks the back of your knee and you reflexively kick him your game of 'lick the lady' is over.
We’ve got a propane heater on our back porch if you want to come over and eat a McRib in peace
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