You know what, matt, a girl is not really that interested in a relationship if she goes down on you the first time she meets you
All I know is it had something to do with a plunger and tuna salad. I'm done. I'm quitting my job.
I really should sober up and deal with this hangover
It seems to be one of those life decisions I'm perfectly content never making though
I had to do a class evaluation today & the girl beside me didn't fill in any bubbles she just wrote in huge letters RETIRE across the whole sheet
When I left you, you were walking into a room with a half naked girl. When I returned 2 minutes later, you were locked out of the room naked and she was screaming obscenities from inside. How do you manage to make every girl hat you?
drunk her ninja stole one of the pizzas as it arrived and hid all of the pieces in a cereal box in the fridge.Genius.
work has become about six times more interesting since i started fucking my boss.
She's like an enigma, wrapped in a riddle, tossed in miller light, inside a question. Nobody can explain a Heather.
I should start wearing my Batman shirt more often when I drink. Good things happen. All sorts of shit.
just found out that she named her cat after me.
Just came to the realization that what I thought were orgasms were just lightheadedness from hyperventilation. My entire sex life is a lie.
He sent me a snapchat of him singing wrecking ball. Guess what the wrecking ball was. Hint: he literally came.
I swear to god if you eat that last piece of pie while I'm gone I will never speak to you again. I'm so serious.
Sorry again for almost setting you on fire.
I am so dumb. I made a mistake and let him get away.
Don't worry, there are other penises in the sea.
Thanks, mom.
Randomize
