I don't get calzones all look the same but taste so different
I just saw a San Diego firetruck. No wonder they can't figure out how to fight wildfires if they get so fucking lost they end up in Nebraska.
I'm gonna get drunk and through up on the first happy couple I see.
I was going to text him and apologize but I didn't want him to think that meant I approved of him being my niece's booty call.
Sun* burn. But that sounds like wait.. Midsentence thought... It would be like swimming in a giant bowl of cereal.. Only I would be cereal. This is brilliant.
Feeling better?
I can stand long enough to do the dishes finally. Been trying that all day.
I just opened my filing cabinet at work for the first time in months. It looks just like my pantry: nothing but peanut butter and whiskey.
Bro, there is a rent-a-cop selling syringes out of the trunk of his car. This is why I hate the DMV.
I just sent you a multitude of sexual pictures...and you responded with a Charles Dickens Quote.
You had sex with a mute, how is that not funny
i refuse to give everyone the satisfaction of seeing the results of my acting on my thoughts
I just ate cottage cheese and went to the gym at 6 this morning...the things i'll do because I might get naked in front of a new boy
Is it bad that I want a job purely so I can buy drugs with without feeling like I am sacrificing my future?
Why do you think I have a job?
how goes living off caffiene and alcohol?
i may have recently shit my pants. on two separate occasions.
But yeah, I am thinking that "Cake Heresy" will now be a thing
Randomize
