After she threw up on my floor she started singing "this is why I'm hot."
I officially became the girl who let a guy get her off under the covers last night while her roommate and a friend were there. He was impressed by my ability to stay quiet and stay relatively focused on the conversation...
I am so ashamed of you, and yet so proud.
I had to explain to the waiter that I'm not the DD because I can't drive, but as the Designated 'Make Sure No One Gets Roofied Or Hit By A Car On The Walk Home'-er, I should still get the free drinks.
Welp just pooped in a garbage can. Guess I'm not better than you at life in any aspect.
And I feel like pitchers of margaritas accidentally make it down your throat a lot.
I mean, the lady at the Mexican restaurant insisted. She said she would win a prize if she sold another pitcher before noon. And plus I got to wear a sombrero
I want your cock.
All we are is dust in the wiiiiiiinnnnnnnnnnd
GOIN TO BED BEFORE TEQUILA BLEEDS FROM MY EYEBALLS
Rob and I are cross faded and the only one taking care of us is a drunk person who's making us dance.
I feel like I should treat myself every time I find out I'm not pregnant. Is there a pie company that delivers??
Yeah you were fine except for when you peed under the bar
I may be asexual, but I owe you a solid from yesterday. I am a man of my word.
I know it's wrong but I'm human. Now get over here, tie me up, feed me pizza and Fuck the crazy out of me. Please.
...and with one comment dissing Hannibal Lecter, I suddenly understood why we never worked out.
he came over last night and we fucked with the great british baking show on in the background. it was beautiful
tell him if he brings over dinner you might let him see your left boob...or right, whichever you prefer. But under no circumstances do you let him see both...unless he brings a good desert...like coffee ice cream or something
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