He's totally hot and awesome. And he's a Democrat
Good, so he won't mind when you kill the baby.
i just saw my boxers from 2 days ago stuck in a tree 4 miles from my house
Of course he got arrested. He was wearing a toga. Even Tom Hanks couldn't act sober in a toga.
Just drunk tweeted NASA asking them to give me a lift home in one of their spaceships. Fingers crossed
Do you think he stole that soccer trophy that he gave you for the "best sweater award" from his five year old son?
Karaoke machines out. We're taking turns farting into the microphone. Shits going south fast. Definitely be awake when you get home.
Still butthurt there's a framed picture of me passed out on the toilet in my grandparents' living room
This is what we do on Thursday nights. Spray tans, blunts and drawing pictures of cats.
But you can't tell me I give the best blow jobs and then not break up with your girlfriend who has fucking TMJ! Come on!
Her husband thinks she's banging me and nothing is going to change his mind so I told her we might as well just bang and make him right
Growing a beard is gonna make smoking a pipe look so much more majestic
friends are allowed to bang on New Years, I read it on the Internet somewhere.
I was on the verge of being completely over him and then he went and made his Instagram not private... ITS LIKE HE KNEW
Just rode a bull topless for a free bar tap for a month
when i saw him today i think my vagina did the equivalent of a stomach growl... its been to long
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