Someone wrote that you're a whore in one of the bathroom stalls
I didn't know I was popular enough to be hated. This is awesome
I woke up to him eating me out, listening to classical music.
had a guy just try to take his underwear off in the middle of the bar w o taking his pants off. That kind of Sunday afternoon
Preparing for thanksgiving at home now by chugging bourbon. Less than a month to train!
Is it mean that I just sent him a pic of my tits with the header, "say bye bye?"
I really need to stop drunk texting. My one night stand just agreed to go roller skating.
I am drunk. Riding an elevator. You can smell the beer. Doctor on with me just smiling at me... He agrees, fuck cancer.
Matt. This is the manager of qdoba. Pick up the phone. Your friend needs you.
Chilling on my porch debating between pre work drinking or video games and getting high.
the best part of college is nobody can tell me not to eat six toaster strudels and jerk off in the shower
Fuck me this girl I went home with has a cover on her remote control so there is no spills to ruin it. Imagine how many condoms she's going to make me wear
I had my first "Damn Kids/When I Was That Age" rant at work today. We need to drink this feeling out of me. NOW.
I think he thought I was too drunk to handle his parrot
I was about to break it off with him because I realised he only wanted me for sex, until I realised that I only wanted HIM for sex. Win/win
Also, in case they didn’t tell you… there is a chicken living in your old room… so I would assume cleaning that is now on them
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