i wish starbucks made bloody marys
Just saw a squirrel crossing the road in a crosswalk..my morning has improved exponentially.
She told me I had to leave by four. We fucked until six thirty and we are the champions played on the way home. Yeah god knew
the paramedic just looked at me like "you again?"
Literally been drinking for 10 hours. Hammered. Roasted chestnuts fell out of my shirt earlier.
He just showed up with a bottle of wild turkey a half a can of coke and some marshmallows yelling "gobble gobble bitches" my roommates hate my cousin
I kept resisting the urge to yell "2 for 2!" so they could hear me on the other side of the wall.
"DO YOU LIKE FLYING KITES" WORKED AS A PICKUP LINE. SUCK IT.
The Wolf of Wall Street “I ain’t fuckin’ leaving!” speech when the cops broke up your party though...
I just had a guy ask me if his "jewelry downstairs" would set off the metal detector.
He told me to leave him behind and bury him in his batman pajamas. So two lessons I guess, don't give Tom whiskey and don't touch his daddy issues with a twenty nine and a half foot pole.
I think my moral compass just broke
just woke up and had to check if i still had pants on, i really need to stop drinking
breakfast this morning: omelette, Valium and baileys hot chocolate
Now that sounds like the breakfast of champions
I just discovered my new vice. Cotton candy vodka. Its like a carnival in my mouth, puking of the tilt-a-whirl included.
Randomize
