my phone is set on vibrate and its tucked up in my left front pocket. call me back 20 times real quick.
mark tries to be a total badass to make up for the fact that he's a poor man's pete wentz
I am drunk as shit eating pancakes. I am not the person to call.
She has 2500 facebook friends. I probably should have used a condom.
it's to the point where working 2 jobs this summer will absolutely not cover how much i will spend on alcohol next semester.
After he came all he could say was how great the lighting fixtures where in my apartment.
Sorry for screaming that you were an apple in spanish at the bar last night, that was the wine talking
He told me he wanted a penis beard so that he could look at girls faces when they gave him blowjobs. i have to say, i kind of admire his creativity
You would be so proud at how green we're being. Re-using last night's jello shot containers.. saving the world one step at a time
tom claimed she had a star tattooed around her buttonhole. i am not prepared for this era of skankyness
i don't remember much about your party last weekend but i remember you being so drunk you were crying in your driveway about pickles at four am
My new years resolution is going to be to stop drunk snapchatting old hook ups asking them when we're going to bang again
How exactly does a handjob become fancy?
Blueberry lube, and champagne.
You know that if they offer you a bagel they are determined to sleep with you, right?
Ps. I'm slapping the bag. It's an emergency.
Randomize
