I am so fucking pissed, there are no Shamwows in the As Seen on TV Store.
Looks like you'll have to stick to jizzing in socks.
Yeah i'm definitely friends with drunk kyle, not sober kyle.
Doctor took one look at my penis and said, 'you don't have herpes, you just masturbate too much'
My mom called me and we started arguing as usual. I finally screamed at her "I HEAR YOU AND THAT 30 YEAR OLD FUCKING!" and hung up. She hasn't called back yet. I win.
I'm crawling around naked in my room looking for my hairbrush. Just thought I'd put that image in your head.
I wiped my blood on their walls screaming "IT'S NOT MY SECURITY DEPOSIT!"
I have to overdose on valtrex I had a rough weekend.
We got a 5L jug of wine for 3 Euro. Italy was a good choice.
no drinking for a week
if by week you mean tonight and by no you means yes
We sent off fireworks off in the taco bell drive through. They're taking it way too seriously.
That does it. We're drinking til we're pirates.
You sat on a wall pretending to be a gargoyle before shouting "batman!" and jumping at me
I'm the drunk Des Moines deserves, but not the one it needs
Trying to decide who to DD on the fourth and I came up with a Who's who of guys I've hooked up with in the last month. Not an ideal situation, but I have a feeling it's gonna happen anyway.
If I wear a tail on Halloween, how am I supposed to grind? Maybe I will just wear devil horns
My vagina just clenched in fear
Randomize
