and then he said he has been waiting since high school to touch my boobs
Since when does a beard not count as proof of age at the liquor store?
of course he's cheating on me, she's 100x prettier and she can do the splits
I just compared drinking to love. How do these people not know I'm an alcoholic?
I think the duck is in my room. You have no idea how much worse a duck makes a hangover
In need of cum proof mascara. Don't judge me.
There's a creepy homeless guy with no hand trying to get up on our tacobell order
Threw up on the baby. National Tequila Day is the eve of National I'm A Horrible Nanny Day.
ders ninda duuude pooring goden shots ov glory. I see em an i dont but there hear.
are you attempting voice recognition while drunk again?
I'll be home soonish I need 4th of July sex, it's the American thing to do.
Pretty sure I just got the ok to have a one night stand in Maui...from mom. I'd say that's a win in my book.
So glad I can hide money in my wallet and drunk me is too stupid to find it. Hangover sushi ftw.
This is a crisis. I had a huge crush on him in seventh grade and now his girlfriend is due to have his child on my birthday. HIS CHILD CAN'T BE BORN ON MY BIRTHDAY.
She tied me to the bed and did lines off my chest before sex. I’m going to put that on my bucket list just so I can cross it off
That’s all I need in life: vibrators, butt plugs, strawberry lube, and sour gummies
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