youre lurking in front of me
you told him you liked to chip your nail polish to look like different countries. im gonna guess that no, you didn't sleep with him.
She wasnt impressed wen i brought a guy for her back with me, a 3am impromptu sperm donor is not a gd birthday present. Im a bad gf.
It was fun until the stripper told me it was her first day and started crying.
The last time I saw you, you were rolling around on the ground at the bar.....
.....well it was bound to be an interesting night since I was chasing my pulls with pulls....
i'm exhausted. do you know how hard it is to put together an outfit that is professional enough to secure a babysitting job yet slutty enough to let him know i'm down for sex during naptime?
i don't know what part of 'duct tape bikini waxes' seemed even a little okay in our drunk minds, but i'm never drinking with your sister again
People were drinking out of 26ers with straws, and somewhere someone yelled "fill me with dicks!" I'm home.
I think he's speaking German to me now
Nevermind, he's just drunk and not texting properly
After sex he cried I didn't know what to do so I patted him on the back and went to the kitchen to make waffles
You cannot meet up with him at the tailgate, his parents are there. What are you going to say "Hi I'm the one who fucks your son, can I get a cheeseburger?"
And now to play every stoner's favorite game: Where the Fuck Did We Park the Car?! Disneyland Edition!
But if you do poop yourself let me know. I want that as a tagline. "So funny she'll make you shit yourself."
I apparently ooze single. The second I left his house after break up sex five of my old booty calls text me
That moment when you’re at the doctor to give a sperm sample you’re only getting 3G so the porn is buffering
Randomize
