I love him more than I love myself. Which is a lot...Because I'm narcissistic.
I'm in the laundromat a drunk armenian guy keeps trying to help me fold my laundry. Ah i'm going to miss queens.
Someone should've told Pope jumper lady and terrorist pants guy that the Worst of 2009 lists already went out....
there's chicken and sequins in our bathroom sink. part of me almost wants to know what happened
I should have kept drinking, a coma can't be as bad as this hangover
Dude, it's the frankincense and myrrh soap. Smelling like baby Jesus will get you laid.
Some chick asked if she could eat me because I'm dressed as a taco. I introduced her to RJ. Best Wingman.
is there any kind of "im boning my neighbor and he happens to be a manager at walmart" discount that our new relationship entitles me to??
I have this vague feeling that I was involved in a dance off with a homeless man?
Adderal can only make me focus so much. Your ass is stronger than my medicine. Congratulations.
Explain to me again why I'm doing the walk of shame if we fucked at my house?
Just had a reminder come up that just said "Ham"
What conversation warrents "penis" in rainbow comic sans
Just shaved my balls on a moving train. By far the most dangerous stunt I've ever pulled
I think it’s appropriate to celebrate the start of mother’s day at the bar with the men that almost made me a mother
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