My pee smelled like sake this morning it was sooo disgusting.
my boobs are a 3G dead zone. as soon as i take my phone out of my bra, it has a signal again.
a kid in a transformers shirt tried to pick me up last night at work. he also rolled up on a bicycle, the kind with pedals. do i look that easy?
I may or may not be drunk driving a golf cart. Vegaaaassssssss.
When we woke up, I asked if we could play "what does your name rhyme with".....he said 'bave' thank god it was easy
why is pumping your own stomach in your searches on youtube?
Well I disagree, 3 different men in my bed over my birthday was the perfect way to say goodbye to my childhood innocence
i wish you were under my bed. you sexy russian fur trapper.
please. text the right number. youve been sending me these all night.
Siri makes being stoned even easier. I don't even Have to type my texts myself
Though I typed a half of that one
Yeah, I've been trying to get him to eat healthier. Turns out he'll eat almost any fruit or vegetable as long I let him eat it off my body.
Also I owe you 20 bucks, a clean towel and a glass of scotch. I'll even throw in a blow job
Well its official, I'm into significantly freakier sex than even I thought possible.
So what's the protocol on sending your exes new wife a baby shower gift that says "thanks for getting him the hell out of my life, please keep him there!"?
I just made myself orgasm twice and Laura lee hit 4 million subscribers. It’s a good day everywhere
You can't hold me to anything I said last night; I was drunk on orgasms.
Randomize
