I couldn't even finish, she was lounder and more annoying than DJ Khaled
Like if there was an award for best way to take a girls virginity, he would get a standing ovation. And first prize. Probably a bunch of roses too. That good.
I'm at work, and just realized I the beer smell I keep getting random whiffs of is my bra. I fail at life.
he made a bon jovi sex playlist and started crying when "i'll be there" came on... how was your night?
I hat to flip my "days since last bad decision" chart back to zero. So...yeah. Sigh.
I just recorded myself pooping, then uploaded to google drive, then connected to my pc through teamviewer then downloaded it, then played it to the living room while still pooping. God I love the internet.
YOU CANT FOOL THE TOILET
this whole "benign brain tumor" is truly a blessing in disguise. I almost want to start bringing MRIs to the bar because sympathy pussy is flowing like the nile
I smell like heartbreak.
Tequila and sloppy rebound sex?
How did you know?
This is the best 30th birthday ever. In a Motel 6 drinking a shower beer and sending slow-mo dick helicopter videos to you.
last night we watched this really loud chick try and pick up this smoking french guy who's english was sooo bad. she finally pointed at her beer and then her vagine
gross
like you've never done an interperative dance for sex, please
someone at the bars was yelling at the bouncer to let him in because he "just passed through the 7 levels of the candy cane forrest" soulmate?
go meet him and give him your number.
I’m traumatised. Bring vodka and condoms.
For the record, if you sneeze while you have a dildo in your vagina and you dont have a good grip on it, that thing can get some distance.
I have filthy fantasies involving his tongue. My vagina almost exploded while he was licking that ice cream cone.
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