K I think ***** turned off her phone. Guess I can't make her feel any more miserable tonight so I'm goin to sleep
When I went to court, my judge's name was Honorable Ball. I couldn't stop laughing.
that probably didn't help your case.
Dude stop singing. Your life is not an episode of fucking glee
First date: that requires underwear, huh?
She left scratches down my back from her wedding ring. Her husband seems like a nice guy though, judging by the scratches it had to be at least a carat.
Saw the college gyno today. It has now been medically confirmed that I have a perfect vagina.
This escort grabbed my boyfriends ass and it became clear, he fucked pretty much anything he could find prior to dating me.
You need to call dibs on the blond with the tits. It's your birthday.
Haha hell yea
Because if someone gets to see those.. It should be you. It's like God telling you Happy Birthday.
I JUST WATCHED PAULA DEEN PUT BUTTER IN HER BLOODY MARY. This is not a drill. Real life.
Just letting everyone know that I am still alive after last night. On a related note, this is the 15th "I'm not dead!" mass text I've sent. You've got to celebrate the little things.
I woke up on a boat next to an extremely attractive man wearing nothing but a life jacket. Neither one of us owns a boat...
He meowed while sucking on my nipple, it got even weirder when he said he was trying to moo.
Sometimes I look at her and just start choking. She is that much of an evil entity.
You were cussing me out in sign language, and slurring your signs.
That's some kind of record drunk there...
This past week everybody of fb either got rings or semen. All I got was Covid.
Randomize
