The guy dancing on me has three visible teeth. WHERE ARE YOU?
I was so drunk last night i ate cereal with a fork.
this coming from the guy that still thinks "pulling out" is a good form of birth control? just walk away
The only coherent words in the 6 texts i recieved were don't, cute, fucking, beer, and lions
Just headbutted a photographer. This convention just got really interesting.
just cuz theres a goalie doesnt mean i cant commandeer the goal and become a way better goalie
I'm at home, drinking with my cat. While this is an enjoyable lifestyle, other plans are preferable.
But if you were going to pour a liquid on your naked body in fall its definitely pumpkin inspired something.
I most definitely just found a video on my phone that I accidentally took... You can't see anything and all you can hear is me talking about how good your water was... And then I fed it to you... And used the word "eloquent" to describe it.
You pole danced in your parka.
Im in my back seat in my own drive way with two beers left to shotgun and watching the sunrise. Am I over her yet?
dude, my hangover is telling me there was tequila involved
I've decided to become a librarian so I can drunkenly quote The Mummy and have it be legit.
I told my mom Jesus would want me to snort drugs on his birthday
All I remember thinking is, why the fuck are there martians on the ceiling? And they were riding fruit. Like strawberries and shit.
Randomize
