you know i think I know why you are single...because you are real cute but then you open your mouth and let words come out and all goes to hell.
I hope this adventure ends at a hospital
If I come back covered in mud topless and banging on your door, please have a warm towel ready for me
I'm hoping he'll tell everyone how great in bed I am. Well, how great in bathroom floor I am.
He insisted that I looked like Kiefer Sutherland, told me he didn't know what to do about it, then hugged me awkwardly.
I'm sports announcer narrating myself making a sandwich. Your weed wins.
She waited 7 months to break out her comicon costumes. I was only mad it took her so long. I fucked an elf last night and strawberry shortcake the night before!
Idk dude but he said something bout his "dick was gonna be so tan" then he jus jumped out of the car
I knew I was in trouble when she kept referring to the next day as things we should do
So you brought her to my house and left her on my couch.
I don't know if you've ever seen a group of 20 year olds reenact a rectal prolapse, but 'majestic' isn't really the word I'd use...
I offered him midol and told him "it always helps my period so maybe it'll help yours"
my mom asked me why i was covered in scratches, blood, and dirt this morning..i answered "i was planking obviously" and walked away
just got back. in my inebriated state i broke an ugly lamp and was sent to the store (still drunk) to get a new one. just spent last half hour in isle 3 of dollar general surounded by more ugly lamps and trying not to throw up on each and every single one.
All of a sudden he got that look on his face and ran to the dance floor and started fist pumping to Rihanna that kind of night
Between falling off a shelf on to a concrete floor and sex with you - i may never walk again.
Randomize
