how about we just leave your boyfriend out of this
history professor just told us he has magic fingers. i'm going for it.
At the miami airport. Don't know if it's all the tequila I drank in cozumel or the 5 year olds french accent but I might puke.
i just walked downstairs to find my brother wearing a crossingguards vest and boxers. when i asked him where he got it he just looked at me, smiled, and kept feeding the dog yogurt
Any chance you used one if the curtain rods in the fireplace room as a sword? One is missing
Oh my god. A memory of last night just came to me. One of our neighbors joked about Thomas having a big dick and I just kept shaking my head profusely.
I asked you if you wanted to go to the ER, have me sew it up or just wrap it in duct tape and keep on keepin on. You just said YES. I remember very little after that.
You're a good friend.
Y'all best leave this "I can only have a couple drinks" shit at the door. U don't drive to Yukon to have a shot. I'm getting u fuckers drunk.
Nothing says I love you as your fiancé bringing back home your drunk brother from his own stag party
Well, I currently have zero fuckboys and my vibrator just broke. A fresh start to May.
I used the line "you don't have enough pillows". Then left. Thought you should know.
My brother is so high right now he's eating frozen peas and called them "fucking delightful"
You went outside, peed in the front yard, and asked me to bring you some toilet paper.
I really just gave up on masterbating because I'm too tired. I really am getting old.
Then you screamed in her face to shut up about thick thighs saving lives because actually they can suffocate people during oral sex
Drunk me is very safety conscious And apparently just as annoyed by her as sober me
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