He wouldn't know what to do with his penis even if they made a "how to get a blowjob for dummies" guide
The weird kid in front of me is reading an article titled "why don't i have a girlfriend?" the article then continues to talk about the mathematical equation for obtaining a girlfriend. exhibit a of why he is single
The cops just drove by on their loudspeaker going DO NOT DRINK THE WATAHH
I love boston
New handbag passed the ultimate test. The walk of shame. I had a bra, tights, skirt, shirt & sweater in it and you couldn't tell. yessss.
there may or may not be knives in your bed. I would check
She cheated on me with the same state trooper that wrote me a ticket.
I guess now you have a way to keep your license when you bring that up in court.
Dude, you are the most awesome.
As I sit on the toilet at 4 am I realize tonight could have gone a lot better
My drunken abilities have only improved since college....I can navigate the streets of chicago like no ones business, do push-ups to hail a taxi and instantly become an mma fighter after 3 shots of hennessy
That last minute feeling of hesitation on whether I should bring my health card to the bar usually means I'm in for a good night.
Took "drink until he's cute" to a whole new level last night...
I mean, with your nipple problem im surprised. #hangacoatonem
He serenaded me a cappella to Ed Sheeran. I wasn't going to leave his dick unsucked.
I walk into the pharmacy and I'm like "I need three morning after pills" and the guy was like "uhhhh". All I said was "we didn't plan it, we all just got laid the same night"
I haven’t taken my socks off in over 36 hours. I should add that to my bumble profile.
At one point she put on my dads pants and yelled after him EMILIOOOO! Dude, my dads name is Mark.
Randomize
