Dude I got a text from you at 1:30 last night and you didn't use any vowels
Haha, I didn't want to buy any... we're in a recession you know
The sex toys I ordered are being shipped to my billing address instead of shipping address. Take a guess where they're on their way to right now - my parents' house. And the package has to be signed for so there's no way around it. Fuck.
you traded sex for a burrito?
The bartender told me the best pick-up line was to look deep into her eyes and tell her your gonna flick her vagina
And that's when he stuck his finger up his own ass to prove it would feel good...
I fucking love fucking science majors-- she told me that she wanted to know if her gag reflex got better or worse with alcohol, and that her initial evidence had been inconclusive. So, next few weeks, yeah, gettin blown periodically. All I have to do is keep a log.
I just deleted all the drug dealers from my phone, I guess this is growing up
Ok, but If I make this happen, my first born son gets to fuck your first born daughter
She deep throated me and when I woke up she made me pizza. I was full of emotions I started to cry.
You're the only one to love me enough for me to admit the following: Rock-bottom sounds like sobbing to a Miley Cyrus song.
Just had a flashback of scottish man yellin' at my face. What the fuck I did?
Give me one good reason why I should go with you.
Free beer.
..pick me up at 8.
What am I supposed to say? "Oh hey, I can't go out with you tonight because I can't picture myself sleeping with you and I was high and just trying to be nice when I said yes"?
On another note, I think my upstair neighbor is having sex. How awkward would it be if I showed up to her door with a bag of Chipotle?
On this version of “Dean Can’t Be a Normal Fucking Human,” I told a guy I’d shove a tv up his ass. Recreationally.
Plasma, LED or OLED?
Randomize
