why didn't you poke me back
im at a bar with my dad last night and he got hit on more that I did
apparently farting at a cop is considered assault.
I'm not upset with you; I'm upset with Fox News.
She has 260 profile pics. In 260 she's ugly and in 255, she's making the peace sign with her hands...
My favorite part about you getting arrested is having to explain the prosthetic leg in the front seat.
Sorry if I'm being weird. I'm dipping doritos in cabernet.
Somehow ed fucked carrie while purposely not saying a single word to her all night. He just nodded and smiled.
Would it have been easier if he talked to her?
Yeah, but i bet him he couldn't do it. Now he gets a free taco bell combo of his choosing.
Blackout me just wants to pee on sober me's dreams. Literally.
Karaoke machines out. We're taking turns farting into the microphone. Shits going south fast. Definitely be awake when you get home.
They invented a new game at work. Its called guess if I'm baked, hungover, drunk, or some combination of the three. Its surprisingly very difficult..
College has done two things for me. Given me the confidence to blow my nose in public and shit in public
And then I remembered we banged to Beethoven & I was like you will never get this ass again
It's almost sad. It's like the Harambe of vagina stories really.
There is a moment when you wake up with a butt plug in when you question your choices in life.
There is also a moment when you wake up in a kiddie pool of jello cubes where you question what the fuck you did last night. Are you still in the attic or did you go home.
Randomize
