So I just found panties on our kitchen floor that had a slit in the vagina section. Does that mean shes open for sex, or she has a penis?
Dude, just walked by a homeless guy pissing on the sidewalk while he was screaming at his wang. God, I love this city.
Dude someone changed all the contacts in my phone to I Like Eggs
My plan for valentine's day: take a shot for every guy I've slept with. To keep me from going to the hospital I'm only doing half a shot for small dicks
He always takes home straight guys. He plays One Night Stand on Ledgendary Mode
My plan to masturbate 34 times on my 34th birthday backfired. Do you still have those crutches?
Lol, you asked the waitress to box up someone else's discarded food last night
Please don't place wagers on my sex life unless you are giving me a cut. With my current sluttiness I feel like I deserve 40% for how much money you'll make
idk about you, but when i sext i just hit em with the "yo lets bang" text
I despise everything about her. Except her tits.
I started keeping track of my period when I realized you had a better grasp of it than me.
I'M NOT EVEN STOPPING FOR WINE SO I CAN GET TO THAT DICK QUICKER.
We have massive handle of kettle and a rack of hi life
That's the happiest ive ever been at 7:48 am....
I bought him flowers and fake vampire fangs, cuz there's really not a greeting card that says "Sorry I got wasted last night and started a very sloppy bloodletting ritual.".
as i was trying not to drunkingly fall off her toliet, i noticed her socks laying there. i quickly grabbed them, ran upstairs, and excitingly asked her if she had gotten them at sams club. she replied with, "...those are your socks."
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