He looks like the kind of guy that still collects pokemon cards
My dad just walked in on me screwing the chick from the bar...the look of relief on his face was sort of hurtful.
I just watched a blind kid buy from one of the vending machines on campus...guess there's nothing like a good surprise?
it's like i can feel the ghost of his dick still inside me
His bookmark is a piece of toilet paper. No shame there.
She poured a bottle of rum in the champagne fountain, did like 5 jello shots at the same time, then lit herself on fire. Twice. This is how everyone should turn 21.
He'll choke me during sex but he won't eat a strip of bacon. Vegetarians are weird.
Just threw up in the waiting room. I can't believe I have to switch dermatologists again.
He wouldn't let me ride him with a Ninja Turtles hat on...
The words "me," "sober," and "new years eve" do not go together. Ever.
I've gotten 2 singers numbers, a 6'5 dude has promised to take me to Oktoberfest, and I spent the night w a pilot named Zeus who looks like caramel tastes. Also I sprained my thumb punching some guy I named 'hater'. I love Nashville
He gave me the choice between a threeway with his best friend or a tiny turtle. Unfortunately I chose the threeway.
I honestly don't understand how your night went from singing a touching rendition of Africa to an angry political rant to low key trying to find a frat boy to bang to doing dishes to yoga
Yea...Let's just say I gave her the best 3 and half minutes of her life then she took a 40 minute cab ride home that she paid for...
Was that you calling me at 4am asking to borrow a rubber ducky and a tampon?
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