I left my keys in the garlic bread freezer in Publix.
remember them days when you seriously wanted your mom to marry rev run and we would always talk shit about justine?
joeyyyy why you always taken cheeseburgers from me?!?!?!
I love how girls just decide that guys who don't like them must be gay
I do the same thing. If a girl doesn't like me...I am like, "i must be gay"
when I forget a girls name in bed I ask her her middle name then tell her i'm gonna call her that from now on
He fell asleep in the strip club and they paid some stripper $20 to sit on his face until he woke up.
That's like lying to my vagina. I can't betray it like that.
Dave a horae rider a coqw boy
He told me that if his bed could talk, it'd write a medical journal. Guess it's too late to worry about that now.
Our penis' have led to more networking than mark zuckerberg.
He passed out again after sex. I've hidden all his clothes. There's no way he is sneaking out in the morning this time!
Yeah, I only wore tennis shoes under the gown. Way cooler than khakis and a shirt, but much more awkward when my parents wanted to go to dinner immediately after the ceremony and my grandmother started to unzip the gown. Stopped her before it was too late, but barely. My dad just rolled his eyes.
I'm playing drinking games with a boy who looks like Liam Hemsworth. I think I'm fine.
... Okay, fine. But I don't want to be a better person tonight. I'll be a better person tomorrow.
Life lesson... stop having side pieces that know each other...ffs.
She stripped naked and ran around the outside of the house while I stood by the tent holding her clothes shouting "come back" because I was too drunk to chase her. This is why we can't have nice things.
Randomize
