Well maybe next time you won't tell me to do whatever I want.
if you don't let us come over today i'm not taking the second plan b pill. your call.
Down at cameli's and some homeless dude just pulled out a taser. Awesome.
My #1 goal this summer is to get drunk at olive garden
He was probably pissed, but i couldn't tell for sure. How pissed can someone really look while holding a fishbowl mimosa?
Get to the bar. Power hour leading up to the rapture.
I have pictures of you taking tequila shots off the front of the police car when the cop wasn't looking.
I get off at the next exit which doesn't have a shoulder, a guy is riding my ass so I cant stop. I think I got as much puke on his car as on mine.
Woke her up in the middle of the night with the smell from a fart. So proud of my colon.
does the cute hipster in the kitchen belong to you?
if not i want to bang those glasses off his face
I'm cutting her off I can't have my good name soiled with these kinds of shenanigans
Shit is preposterous
Last night you broke a mirror, and then rolled around in the glass shards. Miraculously, there's not a scratch on you...
I had a dream I hooked up with Post Malone. I can still smell the dream
Just so you know, I choose to answer your bootytext tonight because it was the most creative.
Trying to figure out these fractions. I bought 5 fifths of gin last week. Does that mean I have one whole gin? 5/5 = 1, right? You're having to homeschool your kids right now--so ask them.
Randomize
