Have you learned any life lessons?
I like big butts and I cannot lie.
Everytime she tries to call me all I can think about is when she tripped walking down my steps during her walk of shame. Then I laugh until it goes to voicemail
we just finished making mockaritas... then we prayed
god you guys know how to party
worst. bachelorette party. ever.
I'm worried I'm going to miss my flight so I set a series of alarms on my phone to act as checkpoints to make sure I'll be there. 2am-stop drinking; 4am-stop fucking stephanie, get some sleep; 5am-wake up, fuck stephanie once more; 6am-get to the airport
This milkshake tastes better than sex. Priorities, I have them.
They woke me up at 4 in the morning screaming "drunk adventure time!" because they needed a sober chaperone. They made me walk them around the block shoeless.
Im eating these cheese filled pretzels. So good. Theres jizz dripping out places i didnt even know i had.
I dunno what the deal was, but you spent about an hour trying to put your phone charger in the outlet and you were yelling "one plug to rule them all"
Just saw a dude walk out of the parking. Garage in a diaper and tutu. He had a handle in one hand and a toy bow in the other
LOL its 11 am
Good luck getting that all cat food off in the shower dumbass
Babe, holding my hair while i blow you doesn't count as being romantic
I've slapped too many boys and done too many naked laps for it only to be 10:30pm
I was drunk, but not drunk enough to forget I had some dude on his knees begging for forgiveness.
Made out with sailor moon tonight. Childhood dreams do come true.
I just discovered that jello shots are the best hangover cure
You said that last night when you did jello shots at 4am
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