I was 10 minutes late leaving for lunch today because I couldn't lose a boner. It is impossible to tuck it when your shirt is tucked in...gotta quit facebook stalking hot chicks at work
My mom is giving me a "don't tape yourself during sex" talk. It's going to be a long car ride.
Why does Thanksgiving make hot girls feel disgusting and fat girls feel horny? Its killing my prospects.
Its really not funny anymore. I need to stop shaving while i'm drunk
Would the plural word for douche be deese? "Look at these deese bags"?
Are you high?
There's a 24 hour period after giving head where you can't eat penis shaped food without me laughing at you
She took a break from repeating "my face is still buzzing!" to say that the phantom of the opera could be here
She spilled creme de menthe on her crotch and I told her she looked like a menstruating Vulcan (costume idea!). Obviously, I went home alone.
I woke up with a russian doll attached to my necklace and a post-it note with "keep babushka safe" written on it. Fuck vodka
I woke up this morning with a tampon in my nose and food EVERYWHERE...
WE'RE MOVING TO IRELAND!!!! DON'T ASK QUESTIONS JUST BOOK THE DAMN FLIGHT!!!!
NO. NONE OF THAT. SHAME ON YOU.
Just dropped the most perfectly rolled joint into the toilet I just finished taking a shit in, hadn't even had time to flush, 5 second rule?
No!
I just woke up naked in a bed with your brother. WHAT THE HELL HAPPENED TO NOT LETTING EACH OTHER DO STUPID THINGS?
You fucked my brother?!
She calls him the walking dildo to his face. That relationship is already fucked up.
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