You need to stop texting me at SEVEN in the morning. It wakes my one night stands up and makes for the awkward talk way too early.
he asked me to marry him on one of those scrolling message belt buckels.... what now?
It's noon and i am somehow drinking by myself in a jazz tent in broad daylight.
Maury Povich's contact info is in our database at work...i should steal it right?
I'm on the strip, it's like a mini new years eve. Some girl just got taken away on a stretcher with her meter margarita in her hand claiming it's trophy for being awesome. Damn tourists are lightweights.
In hindsight, the torn ligament in my knee is probably the fault of the ginbucket and jager bombs starting at 3pm. I guess I'll stop blaming it on you.
I'm laying here in fetal position. I feel like a traffic cone
And my cat won't make me food. She's a bitch
Just made a jeopardy bj game. Every question has 10-50 seconds on it and if he's right that's how many he gets.
I was just laughing and almost crying after I orgasmed, and then almost crying because I was laughing so hard. That's new.
Does he think you're psycho?
Officially...... yes.
I think Saturday night will always be a mystery to me, except for buying an excessive amount of birthday shots for everyone and yelling BIRTHDAY SHOTS before every shot.
I fucked in the bathroom while everyone listened and banged my dick against a table shouting "order in the court"
Never thought I'd say this, but getting head from a skeleton was better than I thought. Happy Halloween
So I'm trying to figure out how to talk my boss into allowing pajama day once a week. Any ideas?
i had to flash a cab last night.
did it work?
No. he slowed down but then kept going. story of my life.
Randomize
