i would punch a child for taco bell
just got waxed at a place I havent been to in a while
woman didnt remember me then in the middle of waxing she announced that she just didnt recognize my face
Girl in front of me has spent the class alternating between playing farmville and the tiffany's website looking at engagement rings. Every once in a while she holds her hand up to the screen.
She doesn't deserve the breathe the same air that we do.
She just bought a cow and we've moved on to looking at wedding dresses.
he asked me to help him wrap his girlfriends birthday presents. Dont worry we fucked right after.
I have the perfect view of a sexy blonde in yoga pants stretching from the shoulder press machine. I'll be here all night. So glad I came high.
Ur here with me in spirit. Now run free. Run free
The only thing worse than being hungover is being hungover and not able to open your mouth wide enough to eat a cheeseburger
telling her she was ovary-acting wasn't the greatest idea. doing it in a text so she could see your spelling was where you really went wrong, though.
I ate the last cupcake. I'm sorry. It was in the refrigerator mocking me. So I ate it. And it was glorious. But I'm sorry.
I mean it's like...I'm sorry I slept with your boyfriend but is it my fault that he failed to mention you when I was giving him head in the Dave and Busters bathroom?
There is so much wrong with that sentence
Yeah there really shouldn't be a bar at D&B's...shit gets real
"you can only have my number if you answer all the questions on this trivial pursuit card correctly"
hitting rock bottom is getting taziki in your hair & simply putting it in a bun instead of actually dealing with it, just like your problems
Im quite confident that my struggle with sobriety ended last night sometime after dinner
I forgot wine drunk hurts
Vodka, MiraLAX and Gatorade are perfect for the night before a colonoscopy
It was just a hint of nipple. I kept it classy!
Do you even hear yourself?
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