I just saw a girl wearing a flannel shirt that would make 1992 cringe
I had to go to the bank to confirm purchases made on 10/31/09 because they were signed as Lady Gaga
i'm waiting for the less fat version of him to text me
Ok lesson learned. Don't lick the spoon when making mushroom chocolates. The kitchen walls are melting.
I want to do something romantic. Like gargle champagne before I put your dick in my mouth.
I came so hard just now that I think I may have regenerated.
I needed that adderall to break my tradition of passing out at the bar on Sundays
Apparently I'm short enough to sit on his lap and fuck him while he is driving because the cop didn't notice.
He hasn't texted me back since last week when we sexted. I think telling him I wanted to choke him with chains was a bit much for our first time.
Chilling on my porch debating between pre work drinking or video games and getting high.
I am laying in your bed and just found a bottle of wine under your pillow ...should have married you...
Not going to lie: not even the fact I'm wearing men's cargo pants can hide the fact I have an awesome ass.
I also told the bartender he probably had a beautiful spleen
She's gonna be mad if she finds out you put weed in her house warming cookies
Remind me later when I want to buy more drinks that there's a 20 in my bra
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