I just poured my flask into a drink. Then I realized the drink belonged to the guy next to me so I stole it from him. He confronted me and I made out with him to distract him. When I looked up, I realized his wife was watching. Its barely 10:00.
fireball beer pong. youre missing out
how is that even possible?
ove gloves.
be there in ten.
Passed out drunk in a tanning bed...
Did At The Beach call the fire department to get you like last time?
The creepiest man is serenading me at the bar right now. I had about a quarter of a drink left and the bartender just walked over and filled it with vodka and walked away laughing.
Is it weird that I Facebook creep hot people from their credit card receipts?
Being single for so long makes me fucking creepy.
Have you ever realized how cool bread is? Like so many things taste good on it. Like its crazy to think that peanut butter and turkey can both taste good on the same thing.
Shut the fuck up. It's not the end of the world. Now come get your asshole bleached with me or we're not roommates anymore.
it was just another one of those moments where you unfriendzone a friend you assumed to be gay
Did you just tell me you watch cartoon porn because it's more real?
He tried to tell me that that stripper was his aunt..
There are horrible decisions in life and then there are tequila flavored moonshine decisions
It took me longer to finish the bottle of scotch we bought together on New Years than it did for her to meet a new guy and get engaged
If I don't get alcohol poisoning from tonight I don't think i ever will.
Spotify says I’m in the top 1% of Indigo Girls fans worldwide. Didn’t know I would peak this early.
Aren’t you trying to seem...less lesbian?
I woke up wearing mittens dude
I woke up in my bathtub with the potted plant from downstairs.
checkmate.
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