i'm pleased to announce i can now open a bottle of wine with my shoe if called upon to do so.
That's it, I refuse to live in a world where sparkly vampires beat Batman at anything.
Defiantly just threw away our yearly bottle collection in front of the campus tour. The school should pay me for recruitment
I just bedazzled my weight watchers points calculator. You can tell I'm gay.
Admitting I go to nursing school is my subtle way of saying, yes, I know every muscle in your penis and how to effectively use them.
My spanish isn't great but I'm pretty sure he was calling me a "little monkey" while I was blowing him
I decided that I do the same thing when i'm drunk with every guy who has a girlfriend...lecture them on how bad cheating is, then hook up with them. I'm like good cop, bad cop.
Please come fuck me. I had the worst sex of my life the other night and I need to be reminded that sex is actually enjoyable
Im just saying it can't be that bad if he drove himself to the er. We'll head that way when we finish playing scattergories
So my OCD kicked in and I cleaned his kitchen. His roommates were so grateful, they tried to pay me in weed.
YOU ACCEPTED, RIGHT?
You have all been randomly chosen to participate in a new game called: how high was I? If you have any information about this or about where my clothing items went give me a shout. Thanks an good luck.
Her husband thinks she's banging me and nothing is going to change his mind so I told her we might as well just bang and make him right
My intervention, when it happens, should have vanilla cake....buttermilk icing.
Don't try to sleep with work colleagues because he won't be able to get it up and you won't be able to look him in the eye ever again
Had a dream last night that we survived the apocalypse. And we celebrated Christmas.
What did I get you?
A 12 gauge and a bottle of vodka that was waist high.
Sounds about right
Randomize
