I woke up around 30 bottles of beer, with a piece of aluminum foil in my hand, that had "you Win" Wrote in sharpie..
Does puking on your bio final mean I can retake it?
you tipped EVERY employee at white castle
please promise me that no matter what happens you will keep me away from the children
I hate about 85% of people that I meet. I'm an awful person. In reality my only redeeming qualities are my face, my amazing scissoring skills and the fact that children love me.
True on all accounts.
He came to the party late, didn't bring tacos, and then asked what shennanigans we were getting into. I swear I will never fuck another hipster.
It was fun, but I mean, any day that starts with shower tequila is bound to be good.
Just got flashed by an entire bus of girls in school uniforms. We then had to wait beside each other at a light. It was awkward.
Hey, don't think you remember me but we met last night. I'm conducting a survey this morning its only one question: Have you seen Rob since 1am?
Are you high?
The snorkel mask makes that pretty clear
She dressed up in a sexy maid outfit for me, but she got mad when I asked her to actually do some cleaning.
And I don't know if this is really ESP, or just a crazy feeling, but I'm pretty sure he has an std. Or at least a cold.
Some guy I've never met before just came outside and started rolling a blunt on our fence and passed it around to all six of us. At eight in the morning. Today's gonna be weird.
Do you know how fucking great a bath bomb is when you're high?
So uh. Your future in porn. Would you be willing to wear an alien costume for it?
Randomize
