it really sends the message that i like to impregnate mortal women and have them birth fantastic half man-half god infants.
I keep trying to sit and the chair keeps running away from me
Im going to make a sandwich and see if my books came from amazon. I cant believe two years ago i was dating eight guys and teaching russian exchange students how to do shots.
2nd year in a row being a arrested before school starts...tradition at its finest
The only thing keeping me calm right now is pretending to chop off everyone's heads when using the paper cutter
This is embarrassing but i think i might have left my fake tooth at your house on your night stand.
I made a wizard staff out of Keystone light... I am therefore the smoothest wizard in all of our university's history.
Isn't it my whole life blown into this perfect spoon shaped piece of melted and artificially colored sand?
Wow.
Can I just skip the lesson I have planned for tomorrow and just teach my students about Prohibition using my impending hangover?
This is why american education is failing
He must've been a bear in a previous life. My nipple is bleeding. Shit's sensitive.
I have a knack for carnage and poetic language.
I just blacked back in and I'm at a kids birthday party in a suit and people are calling me uncle Carl. Never having your homemade liquor again.
HE PUT A HOLE. IN. MY. HOUSE!!!
I feel like any time there's that much rope, lingerie, and horse masks on the ground, it's safe to say it was a great night
There's nothing like a guy talking about your vagina as if it's delicious food to make your day better.
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