I feel dirty and I went home alone. Bars should be like airlines and make fat girls pay double for everything.
Sorry, I don't speak sober.
small problem..I have a major exam in the morning so I might have to go to the library after the party
so no drinking for you?
don't be silly
You would think that an uncircumcised man would understand how the hood of a clit works.
apparently i told her i wouldn't press charges if she brought me food.
Ihop lady gave me free pancakes for being sober this time
I promise a much better performance tomorrow than last night my penis has a bed time
I walked from the hotel to the club with a pint of tequila in my boot. Poured some in a homeless woman's mouth when she asked for change. I've hit rock bottom.
I drunkenly called my ex on Skype last night and didn't talk, just smiled real big at him until I fell asleep.
If you've never yelled, "fuck you ray Lewis" in front of your 87 year old grandfather you haven't lived
Ps we ordered a pizza at the pool today and I dropped the entire thing in the pool. We still ate it. #canthang
The 666th photo in my phone is of him and if that's not a sign that he's secretly the Antichrist, idk what is. Also, bring more rum.
Okay first of all fuck you and everything you stand for because Taco Bell is amazing.
I'm naked, eating straight Nutella, and listening to "Make you feel my love" on repeat. So no. He didn't ask me out.
Sorry. Im too sleepy to penis.
Randomize
