so... i had sex tonight
with a midget
nicccce tits for a little person
Had to use the product locator on on the four loko website to find them at home. Got to go in the backroom of a grocery store to get them. Dedication.
im sleeping in a hamic at a mansion. best hangover ever
We ran out of wine so we are trying the absinthe you brought over from Spain like 3 years ago. Please call me at noon tomorrow. If we die, its your fault
will i regret this in the morrning? probably. but every decision is good during happy hour
I found my phone outside under the leaves by the curb. What the fuck did I do last night
My worst case scenario tonight is that I fuck a hot Swiss girl. Let that give you perspective on my life at the moment.
Until then we have the self affirmation from retweets and nights alone with pizza..
you said "i met the love of my life tonight" and i said "me?" and you said "no, hummus"
I have alotted at least an hour for ugly crying.
I invited him to my hotel room via snapchat. I'm one hell of a classy bitch
I don't know what happened last night. But I just woke up in the high school boiler room
No fucking Jell-O shots or meth. Those are the rules
Must be why he thought choking was foreplay. Like WTF? No.
I’m sorry, some of us common-folk don’t have access to steady dick
Randomize
