Do you think Conan would leave his wife for me?
I tried to pay my bar tab with my gym membership card. Twice.
gin and tonic in a mug. no limes so im using canned madarin oragnes. classy or trashy?
homeless.
Is it weird if I ask my drug dealer to prom? Be honest.
I'm relatively certain my chiropractor just judged me for admitting that my back is misaligned from the sex we had last night...
Idk how she did it. Either she watches freakier porn than I do, or I really need to go get tested.
The moral of the story is do not hire me because everything will end up smelling like pickles and I will not sufficiently clean it up.
I really really need to have and out of body experience just so I can talk to myself about this shit that I'm doing with my life.
Its like drunk me is Oprah except instead of a car everyone's award is seeing my boobs
It's rum buckets o'clock
My drug dealer bought me a book for Christmas. What a gentleman.
He still texted me and invited me over a day later so I guess I'm the lovable kind of psycho
As I was about to fuck him, he requested a moment of silence for Leonard Nimoy.
is it fucked up if I wear crotchless panties to thanksgiving to make it easier for me to fuck my cousins friend.
God I love you.
QUIT STEALING MY PHONE AND SEXTING MY MOM!!!!
Randomize
