Having your wife answer your cell was so lame. Maybe we can talk when you get your phone, your facebook account, and your balls back.
There are 3 speedbumps now up. Think you can manage the urge to piss on them?
Aw shit! That's like putting me a in a room full of Captiain Crunch Donuts and Jasper Hale and not letting me put my mouth on either.
Disadvantage of being gay..... my gag reflexes makes trying to make myself throw up extremely difficult.
I can't be the first person ever who had to explain why her bottle of orange juice had a picture of a screwdriver drawn on it
Had a drag queen carry me to the car. So I'm told...
sorry for the naked aussie man in your room last night, he got lost on his way to the bathroom
Standing in my kitchen eating choc chip cookie batter from the bowl. As sad as it is, I kinda like the places bad breakups take me.
Also yeah I would definitely have to say that one of my favorite things to do is to get high and pet cats.
Hahaha it was a great moment in my life. This must be what post child birth feels like, given you don't get a combined asshole/ vagina
Pro: She likes to masturbate to 50 shades of grey. Con: She reads 50 Shades of grey non-ironically.
Until you have had Country Grammar stuck in your head whilst writing a Supreme Court brief you've never lived.
BILL GATES DONALD TRUMP LET ME IN NOW
The name of the man in your bed is not Ryan. I can't remember what his name is but that is wrong
She's officially a Tinder poltergeist.
I think I'm emotionally ready to start being a slut again. I'm excited.
I'm about to go get lunchables and alcohol. Take that adulthood
Randomize
