when i grow up i'm putting garbage disposals in all showers of my house so when you vomit in the shower its easy clean up
apparently drunk me likes to play hide the puke.. was not a fun time washing all my legos.
Just realized I'm marrying a man that's never gone down on me. What happened to my priorities?
i was playing the convince him im sober game through texting. i spelled most of the words right. i hope.
i just complicated the hell out of my summer by fucking him this early on
French fry pizza
Are you brilliant or just really high?
Can't it be both?
I still can't believe he turned down that threesome with us in central park. He must be really committed.
It's not even like I care. He was cute 30lbs ago and before he fucked that Michael Jackson look alike.
She's working this semester. Her dad saw he was listed as 'the atm' on her phone and cut off tuition for three months.
I sincerely thought making it to McDonalds by 10:00am was a shoe-in but it appears that I need to adjust my zoom when looking at the map before walking to places.
I'm going to pretend you don't watch My Little Pony and focus on your large cock. Kay? Don't bring it up again.
If those panties could talk.
"Once upon a time, Jenny got chlamydia from a magician. The end."
That was the most spiritually awakened shit I have ever taken.
So, I just ordered a breathalyzer for this weekend. I figured if I'm getting shitfaced, I should at least be scientific about it.
That would involve putting on clothes and I don't think I can face that right now.
Randomize
